The spitball post
It’s 6/12 tomorrow, and I’ve basically vanished off the face of the earth and not posted at all in half a year. But I periodically see floods of incoming notes on my phone reminding me I still have followers, so I guess I’ll post something just to assure you folks that I do in fact exist.
This isn’t anything special. Just a brain dump of random Homestuck theories I’ve considered in the past, filtered down to the ones I haven’t rejected as totally ridiculous and thematically inappropriate. It’s not like I can back these up with real arguments, so don’t take them too seriously or anything even if some of them wind up being right, okay?
(PS. Yeah, I don’t really think the update is gonna be here any sooner than, for example, Christmas. Let’s not get too excited waiting for it.)
Candidates for the true identity of the cherub who is currently rampaging through the furthest ring, as well as shitty twists about the reason why:
Doomed alt-Calliope, as opposed to alpha Calliope, who I don’t consider a threat at all. The difference between them, I think, is that “DAC” chose to submit to her cherubic destiny as a psychotic murderer, as hinted by the little detail that her predomination over Caliborn was absolute. This would turn everything backwards as far as the ghost quest: DAC is the Real Ultimate Final Boss, and alpha Calliope holds the key to defeating her.
Caliborn himself, of course; but if it’s him, I don’t think he will actually try to kill Calliope. Rather, he’ll try to marry her. The giant circle he’s drawing is thus the furthest wedding ring. Alternatively, he’s trying to marry Jade, and it will turn out that he was one of the “friends” Jadesprite mentioned immediately after her resurrection. This would explain why Calliope strikes Jade as suspiciously familiar.
Tavros, in a stolen cherub body. The entire plot of the comic so far has revolved around his master plan to marry Vriska.
Kanaya, in a cherub body that she was trapped in after some ridiculous shenanigans nobody could possibly anticipate. Yes, that Kanaya. No, I don’t expect that anyone else would ever think of this.
Gamzee, in a totally fake cherub costume, for reasons that wouldn’t ever be explained to us, and wouldn’t make an ounce of sense even if they were.
Finally, and I think this is the most likely, it’s still Caliborn but he’s deliberately making himself a target in order to engineer his own death. He’s decided that the eternal life thing isn’t such a good deal after all, and he wants out. Unfortunately it will turn out that they can’t just kill him even when he’s actively trying to die (because time loops) so someone else (John, Jake, or anyone else I’ve mentioned above) will have to take his place.
John and Karkat will do the fusion dance or something. Mastery of both war and peace will be necessary to defeat the final boss.
The job Echidna has for Kanaya is to turn Karkat into a vampire. He will then be able to drink all those “potions” to power himself up and kick some ass.
Karkat’s soul will be destroyed, but his body will remain alive. Another character will remain by his side in the new universe despite his vegetative condition, feeding him and changing his bedpan and so forth.
John will sacrifice himself to save absolutely everybody and even bring the ghosts back to life. There will be a lot of tearful mourning, and then Roxy will go ahead and recreate him from nothingness because fuck the police.
If Caliborn is indeed the Real Ultimate Final Boss, he will be defeated not through force, but through his desire to have a family. He will settle down with a nice friendly ghost (or Aradia) and spend eternity ruling over the dead in a pompous, regal, and ultimately completely harmless manner.
Caliborn will actually become good at art, but it will take millions of years. Everyone else will think his pictures are really heartwarming, when he’s really trying to draw porn — or vice versa.
There will be another adventure into Jake’s dreams, this time as a surreal psychic battlefield. Terezi will be instrumental in navigating Jake’s weird subconscious and trouncing shifty gubernands in bullshit mind games.
Sollux will die at least seventeen more times, including perhaps the only double death for any alpha timeline main character. But he’ll probably still come back from that somehow and be really annoyed about it.
Nepeta will show up again and carry out hilarious body swapping shenanigans which will somehow be crucial to the plot. If Dirk switches bodies with someone else, he will end up dating or making out with his own body. (This might result in otherwise impossible ships like Dirk/Terezi or Dirk/Jade, but it could just as easily be Dirk/Karkat.)
Tavros will spend some time as the ultimate poltergeist, randomly fucking things up and then taunting people because they can’t hurt him: “hAHAHA, lICK MY BULGE, i”M A GHOST,”